33 | Detaching your self-worth from your work

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Hello and welcome to Women in

the Coaching Arena podcast.

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I'm so glad you are here.

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I'm Jo Lott, a business mentor

and ICF accredited coach

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Microphone (Samson Q2U Microphone):

and I help coaches to

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build brilliant businesses.

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I know that when you prepare to enter

the arena, there is fear, self doubt,

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comparison, anxiety, uncertainty, shame.

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You can tend to armor up and

protect yourself from vulnerability.

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In this podcast, I'll be sharing

honest, not hype, practical and

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emotional tools to support you to make

the difference that you are here for.

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Dare greatly.

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You belong in this arena.

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Welcome to the 33rd episode of

women in the coaching arena.

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I am so glad you are here.

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Today I want to talk about detaching

your self worth from your work because

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it's a really negative spiral you

can fall into, if for example, you're

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having a really bad month or growth is

super slow in your business and you're

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not bringing in the income you want.

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So then you start to feel like a failure.

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And that feeling, as a coach you'll know

this, of feeling like a failure will

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mean that you often don't take the action

of someone who is super successful.

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You will take the action of someone

who feels like a failure, which is not

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the sort of action that is going to

generate those results that you want.

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So I want to dive deep into this today.

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So let's talk about your intrinsic worth.

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Amidst that rollercoaster journey

of growing your coaching business.

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I'll also be bringing bits of Brene Brown

into this because she is obviously big

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on self-worth and exploring those really

deep reasons why this may be happening.

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Starting with navigating

the coaching storm.

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So the ship of your coaching

business sales through serene seas

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and turbulent storms, doesn't it.

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I love this meditation, which always

used to say, drop down to where

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there is space beneath the waves.

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And it really, really helped me

on so many occasions because I can

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really put myself to that place.

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Where it's still and calm and quiet

instead of where we spend most of

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our time, which is up on the waves,

getting bashed and battered by

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whatever is happening in our lives.

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What we're aiming for is for you and

your self worth to stand there, like

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a lighthouse, resiliently amidst the

success and struggles of your business.

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One of my clients asked me last week, what

do you put your business success down to?

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And I thought really hard

about this because it's really

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hard to think of one thing.

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And she specifically said, what one thing

do you put your business success down to?

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So.

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I managed to come up with two, obviously.

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So I said, firstly, passion, your

excitement that this can change lives

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will genuinely change your business

because if you have that passion and

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you have that enthusiasm, you cannot

help but to show up and share it.

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And my second one was vulnerability.

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I really do see this

as my hidden strength.

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Because no one likes the

person who pretends that

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they have it all figured out.

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If you are a mum, for example, the least

popular person, or the person you would

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think, oh, how have I got stuck with you?

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Is the person who is saying, oh no,

my baby sleeping through the night.

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Oh yeah, they eat all their food.

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Oh they're just no trouble at all.

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So we don't always want to know that.

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And yes, well, obviously we

can celebrate those things.

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We also need to see the other side and

know that everyone's life is 50- 50.

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Sometimes they're up,

sometimes they're down.

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And if anyone pretends that it's all up.

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You know that there is probably

some dishonesty going on.

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So I think vulnerability, just like Brene

Brown shares, is a huge strength of yours.

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Brene Brown talks herself about how

she felt after her Ted talk went viral.

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Suddenly, she felt that overwhelming

pressure of disappointing others.

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And has worked a lot on ensuring that

her self-worth was not determined by

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that public approval or criticism.

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So embrace that the vulnerability

of the moment you may be in

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now, and what's not going well.

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Is what you will genuinely look

back on with pride, knowing.

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Wow, I got through that.

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I saw a James Clear quote this week

which said something like if you

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are not prepared to feel the lows,

you will never feel the highs.

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So you will never reach your potential.

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If you are so busy, avoiding, failing a

launch or someone saying no that you can't

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speak at their event or something that

you want to do for your business, but you

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are allowing that fear of failure to be

stronger than your desire for success.

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And it's a really easy thing to

do, and I definitely do it as well.

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And the moments that I'm proudest of

is when I just do the thing and don't

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let that fear of failure stop me.

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Let's talk about the arena of coaching.

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Considering this podcast is called

women in the coaching arena.

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I am super passionate about helping those

who are willing to step in the arena.

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Because you are exposing yourself

to failure, criticism, but you're

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also opening doors to immense

learnings, genuine connections

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and changing people's lives.

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I've been having quite a few

calls with people considering

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joining my program recently.

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And something I'm really kind of coming

around to now is that if they are not

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prepared to step in the arena and try.

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I cannot help them.

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So there's no point me bending over

backwards, trying to say, I can do

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this payment plan or I can do this.

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Because it's nothing to do with that.

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And I don't think that that

is often the barrier to entry.

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It is that decision that you are prepared

to step in the arena and put your money

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on the line to say, this will work for me.

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And that is a really big moment and

no one can take that moment from you.

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That is your decision to decide.

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And so that is why I love that moment

when someone makes the decision,

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because it's you, that gets to

decide if you are successful or not.

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Yes, I can help you once you've made

that decision, but until you have made

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that decision that you're going all in

and getting in the arena, no matter how

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many amazing strategies I present to

you or how much I try and support you?

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There will be nothing I can do until

you have internally made that decision

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that you will be a success story.

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The next part I wanted to

talk about was empathy.

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And that is really easy for a

coach because most of us really

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want to do good in the world.

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Connection is really built in empathy.

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So it is sharing vulnerability struggles

and authentic emotions, which is how

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you actually build relationships.

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So can we as coaches hold our worth

tenderly and allow that authentic,

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empathetic self to shine through

and really support who we are.

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Whilst it may not be easy, for example, if

it's coach training, we're talking about,

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I remember when I thought, like many

coaches think, when I get that certificate

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in my hand, it was my ILM level seven

in executive coaching and mentoring,

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I will be able to charge for coaching.

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But what happens?

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Oh, then I go to a networking

meeting and realise that there's

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all these other coaches around

me who are ICF ACC, accredited.

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So, what did I do?

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I thought I will not be

ready until I am iCF.

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ACC accredited.

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So I got my gold pin in the post.

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And I still didn't get that

moment that told me I was ready.

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So if you are procrastilearning, I

heard that term recently, then know you

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are never going to get to the point.

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Where you feel ready?

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You need to make that decision.

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It's just a decision that

you are ready to go for it.

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And back to my previous point,

it's a decision only you can make.

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No one else can talk you over the line.

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You need to be able to

step in your own power.

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And decide that you are

good enough to get started.

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And not wait for that complete

moment of enoughness cause I'm not

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sure how many people on this planet

ever feel like they are good enough.

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I was listening to the diary

of a CEO podcast recently.

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I can't remember what

guests he had on now.

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But he said, hardly

anyone has that feeling.

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You know, we all are

trying to seek approval.

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Most of us have that feeling of what if

it's not good enough, so do you not let

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that stop you because the person next

to you will also be feeling that thing.

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And this is another thing I've

learned from going to masterminds.

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I had a full in-person day on Friday and

I remember thinking when I was joining

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this mastermind, you know, I'm going to

be surrounded by these people that have

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it all figured out because you know,

there was quite a high entry to get in.

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And actually you kind of

get there and you think.

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You know, they're just the same as me.

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So just always remember that you

are as worthy as the next person.

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Let's now talk about resilience

in the face of shame, because as

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my coach often tells me, shame

is the most powerful emotion.

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Well, other than obviously things like

gratitude, which is the most powerful

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emotion the other way, but shame is the

most, I was about to say horrible emotion,

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but you're not meant to think emotions

are horrible, but it's like, it really,

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really does, stop you in your tracks.

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I saw something shared by Steven

Bartlett last week, which said your

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level of success is determined by

your ability to be uncomfortable.

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And I really, really do

resonate with that because it is

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uncomfortable building a business.

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So we need to build your

resilience to do the thing.

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Overcome that horrible feeling of

being judged and feel that shame

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of perhaps if you're putting your

first social media post out there.

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And worrying about what your

friends and family will think.

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Well, that moment and doing that and

overcoming that first little hurdle will

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build your resilience for the next hurdle.

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And then that will build your

resilience for the next hurdle.

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So then you will be able to perhaps

speak at big event and things that you

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never thought was possible for you.

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But what that all depends on is

you being prepared to risk feeling

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that horrible emotion of shame,

which again, I'm not meant to say is

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horrible, but it really is horrible.

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And you will build your shame resilience.

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So it's not your lack of clients or

failed strategy that will determine your

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worth, but your amazing spirit to stand,

tall, learn and pivot in such moments.

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It's that that makes you successful.

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It's never the absence of setbacks.

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But how you can deal with those setbacks

to sculpt your journey and build

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that legacy that you are here for.

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So ask yourself now.

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Am, I prepared to feel the lows in order

to feel the highs, which might be a super

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successful, meaningful, amazing business,

which changes lives and leaves a legacy?

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Lastly, let's talk about

courageous leadership.

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Drop down beneath the waves.

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So even when the seas are rough, you

can find that moment of stillness.

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And this is when meditation

is really useful.

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I used to do meditation every single day.

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I must admit now I do a bit

at the end of my yoga, but I

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don't do as much as I used to.

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And I'm really noticing it because

it was meditation daily that

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helped me to build my business.

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I did a Deepak Chopra 30 day meditation

challenge, and it was the best thing

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I ever did because I finally felt

able to witness my emotions enough

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to be able to work through them in

my mind and realise that feelings I

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was feeling may not be actually true.

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They may not be meaning that I am going

to get eaten by tigers, and lions.

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It may just be a really

small little hiccup.

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I have a form that I send to my clients

to talk about how they're doing.

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And, one of the questions is what are you

doing right now to support your mindset?

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Because it's easy to think that it's

all strategy and that they need me to

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tell them to do something else, but

most of the time, it really isn't.

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Yes, it sounds like the softer side.

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But I think if you aren't doing

that inner work, it's really hard

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to build a successful business.

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So it's that feeling that we want

to cultivate with all of our work.

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And I work tirelessly on building

the belief with my clients.

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Because it's not just

about nailing your niche.

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Two people could have

the exact same niche.

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One will be successful and one won't.

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And why is that?

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It's just because of these underlying

things that may be different.

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It's all in the nuances.

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So I know that and I want to be

able to support you to really move

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forward in those nuances and really

step into who you are here to be.

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Remember that your business success

relies on being prepared to feel

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uncomfortable and allowing yourself

the support to continue to do the

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thing, even if you are uncomfortable.

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Because it's the other side of

that uncomfortableness where

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your thriving business lies.

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I recently recorded a new training on

how to secure more coaching clients.

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It will literally give you the

roadmap, to build your business and

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we'll dive deeper into two or three

of the really core elements to help

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you to secure more coaching clients.

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The clue is in the title.

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So you can find the link

to that free master class.

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It's up for a short while.

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In the show notes.

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I hope you enjoy today's episode.

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If you want the love and

support to build your business.

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That's what I do in my

signature coaching program.

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The business of coaching.

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You will find the link to join in

the show notes and feel free to ask

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any questions about whether this

is the right program to help you to

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build a thriving coaching business.

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And like I say, at the end of every

episode, trust yourself, believe

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in yourself and be the wise Gardner

who keeps on watering the seed.

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Thank you so much for listening to this

episode of Women in the Coaching Arena.

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I have a mess of free resources on

my website joannalottcoaching.com.

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That's Joanna with an A

and Lott with two T's.

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joannalottcoaching.com.

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And I'll also put links in the show notes.

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Let me know if you found

this episode useful.

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Share it with a friend and

leave me a review, and I will

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personally thank you for that.

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Remember to trust yourself, believe

in yourself and be the wise Gardner

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who keeps on watering the seed.

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Get into the arena dare, greatly and try.