49 | Overcoming people pleasing for women entrepreneurs

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Hello and welcome to Women in

the Coaching Arena podcast.

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I'm so glad you are here.

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I'm Jo Lott, a business mentor

and ICF accredited coach

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Microphone (Samson Q2U Microphone):

and I help coaches to

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build brilliant businesses.

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I know that when you prepare to enter

the arena, there is fear, self doubt,

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comparison, anxiety, uncertainty.

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You can tend to armor up and

protect yourself from vulnerability.

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In this podcast, I'll be sharing

honest, not hype, practical and

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emotional tools to support you to make

the difference that you are here for.

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Dare greatly.

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You belong in this arena.

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Hello, welcome to episode 49

of women in the coaching arena.

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I am so glad you are here.

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Today's episode has been inspired

by meeting some mastermind sisters.

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It's not my usual phrase, but other

women that I know on this journey.

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And I met them yesterday in London.

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And I noticed certain themes

that I wanted to talk about

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today because they are definitely

challenges that I personally have.

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So the best thing about meeting other

successful entrepreneurs is realizing

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you are not alone in your feelings,

and this is pretty much normal.

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So that is what I'm hoping

to do for you today.

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To help, you know, that if you do face any

of these challenges, you are not alone.

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So we're talking about

understanding people pleasing.

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People pleasing isn't just about

wanting others to be happy though

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often that is a huge part of it.

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But often it's also that deeply

ingrained behavior that stems from

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society expecting women to always say

yes, be kind, be polite, be agreeable.

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I was certainly taught

that when I was a child.

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And then it leads us into this cycle

of overcommitment, undercharging,

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undervaluing our work in our business.

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And often also under prioritizing our

own business goals and our own ambitions.

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Let's talk about the impact on

women entrepreneurs in particular.

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Although I know men listen to

this show and you are so welcome.

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So of the people that I was

with on Friday, it came up

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for every single one of us.

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And the ways that we were talking

about is saying yes to projects

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that don't align with our goals.

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You know, if someone asks to pick your

brains or something, but your time is so

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precious and often you just don't have

time to give those things away for free.

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So if you're anything like me and

you have kids at school age, The

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list of invitations is endless.

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So, you know, can you

come to do book change?

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Can you come and read to the children?

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Can you come and take them swimming?

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Can you come on the school trip?

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And while obviously I'm sure

everyone is pretty much invited.

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Personal invites, usually go to women.

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So, for example, I was invited by

the other mums to be a school rep.

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I was invited to be the school clerk.

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There are certain things that

generally the men aren't invited to do.

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So therefore, when you are asked,

you have that awful sinking feeling

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that you are not a proper mum if you

don't agree to all of these things.

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And therefore it's super hard to

balance your business success, which

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generally I'm running on a tight ship,

you know, school hours, term time only.

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And every single hour

makes a massive difference.

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So despite the fact I would love to go in

and listen to children read every week.

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If you're already running your

business on part-time hours

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every afternoon is so valuable.

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And will have an impact on your business.

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We also talked about those people who want

to pick your brains and we shared ways of

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politely declining, because again, that's

something I used to really struggle with.

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I actually don't anymore because

I give a lot in this podcast.

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On my blog.

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In workshops.

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So that personal additional time

needs to go to my paying clients.

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Fearing to negotiate better rates often

comes up with people pleasing of wanting

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to create something for everyone's needs.

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To undercharge.

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And to assert boundaries with clients.

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It's easy to forget that this does

affect your bottom line massively.

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And also takes a toll on the balance

you feel in your life and of all

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of the women I've spoken to who are

doing this work, we all seeking some

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time, some space, some peace to relax.

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Like that's what we ultimately want.

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And so this year I have a goal of

pinning up if I'm saying yes to

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this, what am I saying no to, and to

realize that it's genuinely taking

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away from impacting more people.

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For my business success.

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For my family.

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Something I've also noticed with

my clients in particular, is taking

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on that extra toll for caring for

elderly family, for example, but not

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just their elderly family, usually

the husbands, elderly family as well.

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So often what can happen is you

get seen as not having a job at all

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when you have your own business.

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And does impact, therefore,

my business, if I allow it to.

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So I think it's back to really

asserting those boundaries.

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Is this your responsibility?

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Is this something you want to do?

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And if so, are you happy

with the consequences of

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saying yes to this decision?

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So let's talk about some strategies

to overcome people pleasing.

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And while saying this it's also

worth bearing in mind to be gentle.

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A lot of this stuff is carried down

through years and years of history.

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It's not something that you can

think, oh, why have I said yes again?

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It's so ingrained and therefore we need

to realize that it's not our fault.

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It's something that we all as a

society need to work on together.

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Here are some strategies

so our favorite as coaches

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self-reflections so really going deep

into why you feel the need to please.

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Is it a fear of rejection?

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Is it something projected on you?

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Is it really true?

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We think that people think terrible

things about us if we say no, But

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it might not actually be true.

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Next up is set clear boundaries,

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define what you are willing to

accept in your business and personal

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relationships and what you are not.

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If we agree ahead of time with

ourselves what is, and isn't acceptable.

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It's so much easier in those

moments to say no to a pick

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your brains call for example.

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Third is to practice assertiveness.

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so start by expressing your

needs in low stakes situations.

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And gradually build up your confidence.

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Sharing strategies really helps, like one

of these women that I was with on Friday.

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Literally shared her email that she

sends back when someone says, would

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you like to meet up for coffee?

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And if she isn't able to meet up

for coffee, cause most of us are

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running our business on a really

tight ship, then it really can help

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to hear how someone else does this.

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And realise that it seems

totally acceptable for them.

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Therefore it is probably socially

acceptable for you to do the same.

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And my fourth is seek support.

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So again, surround yourself with

a network of women who uplift and

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support you and your ambitions.

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Shedding that people

pleaser label is empowering.

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It's about taking control of

your business and your life.

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And these tiny, tiny steps that will

make it better for our children to

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not get so much projected onto them.

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So, let me summarize today's episode.

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First up, we talked about

understanding people pleasing.

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Next we talked about the impact

of that as a woman entrepreneur.

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Next, we talked about some strategies

for overcoming people pleasing.

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so self-reflection clear boundaries,

assertiveness, and seeking support.

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And lastly we talked about how good it's

going to feel when you shed this people

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pleaser label and really, really step

into your business and your ambitions.

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So I would love to finish by reminding

you that your needs, your time,

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and your expertise are valuable.

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Moving away from people

pleasing doesn't mean you become

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less kind or less generous.

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It means you are choosing to honor

your own needs and your business

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needs with the same dedication

that you've always given to others.

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So thank you for joining me today.

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Like I say, at the end of every

episode, trust yourself, believe

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in yourself and be the wise Gardner

who keeps on watering the seed.

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Thank you so much for listening to this

episode of Women in the Coaching Arena.

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I have a mess of free resources on

my website joannalottcoaching.com.

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That's Joanna with an A

and Lott with two T's.

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joannalottcoaching.com.

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And I'll also put links in the show notes.

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Let me know if you found

this episode useful.

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Share it with a friend and

leave me a review, and I will

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personally thank you for that.

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Remember to trust yourself, believe

in yourself and be the wise Gardner

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who keeps on watering the seed.

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Get into the arena dare, greatly and try.